Has someone's positive attitude and self development ever pissed you off enough that you just want to 3-legged dog them in the face? Or even Warrior 2 them to the throat?
I only ask because as I sat listening to my yoga group pat themselves on the back after six weeks of (okay, yes, incredible) growth and self-acceptance, I was squirming on my yoga block seat like a toddler needing to pee, as little hives of irritation began to show on my neck. It's a good look. No really. Okay it sucks.
I wasn't actually jealous of them. I was just disappointed with myself.
In the first few weeks of our intensive sessions, I had managed severe emotional break-throughs that had knocked me solidly from my feet, ruined a couple friendships and begun to make consistent progress towards understanding myself, my personality and how it was affected and shaped by my childhood, my parents and my environment. Big Stuff. This was no frikken joke. I had become less (openly) aggressive, my communication and language use had improved and my short temper was beginning to lengthen. I could even name and acknowledge my feelings as they arose and regulate through them. It was a damn near miracle.
I was an emotional wreck who couldn’t be happier. And then, suddenly I wasn’t...
In the weeks leading up to this very happy clappy session, which found me squirming (in my defense, I do have a sprained hip and was sitting on a yoga block) - growing more and more frustrated as yet another person felt that they had become ‘glowy’, ‘grounded’, ‘visibly different’. That their partners, parents, friends could “see an incredible, tangible change in them”. Damn happy, transformed yogis, with their beautiful skin and worked through issues - I had regressed back to my typical aggressive, short tempered self and was completely mortified that I could see and hear myself react and yet felt trapped inside my own head, unable to change the outcome.
I kept my pessimism to myself and pondered my reaction to everyone's perceived happiness (perceived is an important key word here as we often overlook the inner world that everyone deals with in favour of their social-mediaesque projection). A few days later I found myself in our group check-in again and decided to share my feelings as they related to me.
Regression had snuck in while I was enjoying a few blissful moments of insightful emotional turmoil. I now felt disconnected from myself, my training and my group. Everything that I had learned and practiced seemed to have been erased from my mind as quickly as with a Men In Black neuralyzer.
I was pissed.
How dare these people be making progress while I fall further and further behind. How dare our training be reaching a close and I’ve been left at the beginning struggling for air. In short: What the hell, man!
Of course my check-in was far more reserved and self-focused than raging like a lunatic at everyone else's journey but it wasn’t until my yoga teacher offered some insight into my perceived condition that I could finally see it for what it was. Another damn life lesson.
She helped me see that regression is neither good nor bad. It simply is. But what it is, is an awareness of the self and all that we are and that awareness is key to change. We tend to look at situations as being either good or bad, happy or sad, positive or negative, when in fact they just simply exist.
The traits we were born with are the traits we’ll always have. Awareness allows us to become friends with our entire selves, the perceived good and the perceived bad and through this awareness we can find acceptance - not to be confused with complacency.
Acceptance allows us to make peace with areas of ourselves that we may perceive as bad, and to lean into them, widening our window of tolerance and effectively creating space for self-regulation and change.
My initial reaction to aggression, conflict or any unpleasant situation really, is to get aggressive in return. This is a trait that I'll always have as its a reaction that my brain uses as protection when it perceives danger - danger to my physical body, danger to my ego or emotional balance, danger to a loved one - but I don't have to act on it.
Choosing to rather kindly acknowledge it, to feel it, give it the time of day rather than suppressing it, gives me back the power over my emotions. I can say "Hey brain, thanks for looking out for me but there's no real danger here, I've got this one." My brain has then been given permission to relax. To step out of high alert and settle itself back into quietly scanning the environment for the next possible threat. Now, instead of reacting to the situation, I can step back, assess it calmly and make a rational decision on how to act.
Here I've taken the time for self-love and awareness instead of judgement and beating myself up over my "negative" emotional state. I've not changed my personality or banished a "bad" trait, I've just learnt to control it. In certain situations this aggressiveness has been useful and when called upon has leant itself to truly protecting my wellbeing, such as getting me through two attempted muggings unscathed because it shot through my arm and punched the guys in the face. Had I tried to forcefully remove this trait, who knows how my brain would've chosen to react. Possibly a lot like dial-up internet.
It's not a perfect science but practice makes... improvement. As with anything, self-development has no destination but is rather a life-long journey of discovery and adaption.
My regression had been self-perceived as steps away from my journey of discovery, when it fact it was the discovery of self-awareness without regulation that I was experiencing. I was mindfully aware of my reactions rather than being blindly led by them. What I wasn't doing however, was accepting them, calming myself and then acting accordingly.
Since this revelation I've been able to internally Warrior 2 someone in the throat before thanking my brain for this act of protection, and assessing the threat for what is really is: a cashier telling me that they're out of soy milk for my latte.
Look at me, growing and sh**. Be Kind. Be Curious. Be You.
If you liked this post, please consider signing in to leave a comment or like!
#yoga #selfacceptance #regulation #balance #love #journey #discovery #transformation #unbalancedyogi #yogateacher #change #awareness