So today I'm pretty low.
It happens from time to time and I know it's totally normal so I'm not dwelling on it, but it got me thinking about all these self-care posts I've seen doing the rounds on Facebook lately.
It seems that when we get halfway through the year we all need a reminder to have a bubble bath, eat well, do a favourite hobby or learn a new one. YAWN.
I'm guilty of being one of those people who search the internet for The Answer - the cure to how I'm feeling that day, the answer to any thought that pops into my head, my how-to manual for life, my pessimistic doctor who always seems to think that I have 30 seconds left to live. I've on many occasion looked up 'self-care tips' which have ended up in me wasting an hour rereading the same copy pasted list of cliché "tricks" for self-love and care across 20 different pages. I'm not saying that we don't all need a gentle reminder sometimes on giving our minds and bodies some TLC, and who doesn't love a good bubble bath with a glass of wine, some sad music and a good cry? Or a facemask with a glass of wine, some sad music and a good cry? Or a pizza with the works, a glass of wine, some sad music and a good cry? You probably get my point.
When I've been low - as is usually the case when I go looking for self-care tips - I've tried a ton of them out and yes, they do work but for a finite amount of time. These self-care rituals are sadly not permanent fixes to how we feel. A bubble bath isn't going to make your financial stress go away - yes, it will momentarily relieve it but it's not going to change it. I agree that moments of relief are paramount to mental health and clarity but they are not long lasting cures.
"So okay, Miss Non-Believer, what is the cure then?" - Fair enough, I'm getting there.
The cure is - and you're not going to like it - sitting with your emotions and letting them be felt.
I can hear your eyes rolling back into their sockets.
In all seriousness though, self-care is not all pamper and chocolate covered strawberries, its self-work. Working through your feelings, your heartaches, your down periods, so that you can come out the other side, stronger and more resilient to suffering.
Emotions like to be acknowledged and then set free into the world to go bother someone else. If we use self-care activities to unwind and connect with ourselves then we're using them with purpose, if we use them to detach and hide from ourselves then we're using them as a distraction.
Sometimes self-care is simply sitting in the moment with the emotion at hand and asking it "What do you need?". And more often than not, it will tell you. It will say something like:
"I need you to feel me right now, I'm here to make you stronger, please stay with me."
Or it might say:
"I need you to stop spending all your money on shoes so that I don't need to pop up during the middle of every month. Feel me now and learn to stop indulging as a distraction from me."
What we feel is always trying to tell us something, it just doesn't mean that its always what we want to hear. Who wants to sit with that and actually delve into behaviour that's causing us grief?
Sure a bubble bath is wonderful after a hard day, especially after that b*tch Susan from work, damnit Susan, was on your case again, making you feel bad because of whatever crap she's dragging around with her (re: Here, Hold My Baggage), and it does give you a moment to recenter and shift your energy from her back to you, but at the end of the day, she's making you feel bad because you have something inside you that needs to be felt.
You're not to blame. I'm not pointing fingers at you and calling you damaged, she's simply pointed out a niggle in your nervous system that is crying out to be felt and released. Say this troubled so-and-so is undermining you at work and it's leaving you feeling like you're unworthy of being heard or maybe it's not that obvious yet, maybe it's just simply anger towards her. Why are you angry at her? Because she stepped all over you. Why? Because you didn't stand up for yourself. Why? Because you feel unworthy of connection; unworthy of being heard. You have a self-worth niggle that wants to be felt.
Lean into it. Feel that loneliness, that isolation. Let it feel acknowledged as you so wish to be and let it go. Let that sh*t go. You are worthy of being heard. You are worthy of connection. You do have the power to stand up for yourself. You are enough.
By acknowledging the hurt that's been sitting inside of you and actively releasing it, you make room for growth and change within yourself. When it shows up again, you know what it feels like. You can name it, say 'Hi' to it. Ask it why it's returned and deal with it. If you sit in a bubble bath drinking wine and eating chocolates, you're hiding from yourself and and your growth.
Self-care is active self-development. Develop and then go reward yourself with that pizza.
Maybe you take the plunge and sit down to feel all the feels and nothing comes of it. That's okay. It will come with time. Maybe the first time you sit down to feel, your emotions get a little shell-shocked and aren't quite sure what to do. Maybe they're waiting for Adele to come wailing through, for the tears to flood and the anti-depressant qualities from the release of all the pent up cortisol to mask them.
That's okay too! Keep at it.
The more we sit with our emotions, the more we start to understand ourselves and what our poor bodies are desperately trying to shout at us. It comes with patience and practice and yes, it will get easier each time.
There is a time and place for everything and I'm going to be the last person to tell you not to indulge a little if that's what your body is calling out for. Sometimes a pamper session at home with a facemask and some new nail polish is just what I need to reset my system but sometimes I need to sit with myself and hear my emotions out - okay, sometimes my boyfriend needs to hear my emotions out as they explode from my face. It's called balance (duh).
This practice is genuine self-care. It's caring about yourself enough to be with yourself without distraction. Learning to name your feelings, being conscious of your moods and their triggers and knowing how to regulate yourself. These are all important lessons that we're often not taught as kids and now as unbalanced grownups, we're left trying to navigate this mine field alone because emotions and mental health are airy fairy topics that should be discussed in private but preferably not at all *rolls eyes*.
Be gentle with yourself always, but especially when you start. It can be a daunting task but it is truly worthwhile. Lean into yourself. Lean on yourself. You are your biggest support giver if you just let yourself be. And if you ever need more, you know where to find me.
Be Kind. Be Curious. Be You.
